Fiendin'

I’ve started a new project called “The Love Experience”. The purpose is to see all the different shades of love from different perspectives of various people coming from all walks of life. Whether you’re a man or woman, single or taken, gay straight or bisexual, it doesn’t matter. 

I need volunteers to submit videos of themselves (2 min max) giving their insight/confessions/advice/rants on the subject of love. This is a new project, so I only have one video up so far (mines, lol), but I’m hoping to get more and carry this on as an ongoing project. If you’re interested, please message me asap! 

Thanks!

I really, really shouldn’t feel this way. It’s not even something that I particularly want, but I want it. Maybe it’s because I need a project. Maybe it’s because I’m lonely and understandably desperate for this interaction. Maybe it’s because I just like to have things for the sake of having things. 

Regardless, I need to stop. Like, right now. I can’t expect everything to go my way. Not everything is going to go as I plan, not everyone is gonna love me, and life is gonna suck sometimes. I have to accept that. 

But first, let me accept the fact that I’m being completely irrational right now. I have no one to blame but ME for lying to myself about certain intentions, making something out of nothingm and creating this image (more like an illusion because it’s totally spun from fantasy rather than logic) of something I want rather than something I need. Jeez, I DON’T EVEN LIKE IT THAT MUCH! Ok, I’m stopping. Stop, breathe, count to 3. 

I’ve allowed myself to be mad for a good 10 minutes, so this is the time where I wrap things up and move on. I want this post to be my reminder that this kind of wishful thinking and lying to myself nonsense is unnecessary, and that it hurts. I won’t put myself through it again. Nip it in the bud before I get in too deep. When the situation arises where I’m about to be sucked into this THING that I want, I need to remind myself that it is not what I want it so desperately to be. It is what it is.

Gotta let go. Letting go. Gone.

Your views on religion.

I was born and raised as Roman Catholic. My parents are devoutly religious, especially my mother. I am continuously questioning my faith, and it is sorely tested everyday. I consider myself a logical person and I don’t understand how we are humans with free will yet our lives are pre-determined by God? It just doesn’t add up. I also don’t believe that women should take a backseat to men in the realm of religion (or any realm, really). Men and women need each other to co-exist, it’s a biological fact. So, why can’t women be priests? Why can’t women make their own reproductive decisions? Basically, what I’m trying to say, is that many of Catholicism’s (and many other religions) ideologies and frameworks are extremely outdated. 

However, I do believe in the hope, spirituality, and healing that religion brings. Religion help people feel like they belong to a group, thus solidifying their current identity. The hope of religion is a much better feeling than complete and utter despair. Like science, we use religion to explain and control our environment. Religion will be around as long as humans are around, and I embrace this fact. Am I a religious person? Not really. I do believe in a God, a higher being. I believe in the balance of good and evil, and that good things do happen to bad people and vice versa. I believe in karma, what goes around comes around. I believe in achieving inner spirituality through your everyday actions, not by how many Our Fathers and Hail Marys you pray. 

I respect everyone’s religious ideals. However, I get extremely irritated when people try to tell me the “right way” to pray, love, eat, and live my life. As if one religion held the answer. What do I say to those who try to force their religion onto me? 

“I’m happy that you have found a spiritual path that you have been able to thrive in. Please respect mines. Have a great day.”

Your views on drugs and alcohol.

It is almost inevitable that you will be subject to the temptations of drugs and alcohol. No matter how much your parents try to shelter you, you will cross paths with these vices at one point or another. Some of you will turn it down, but most of you will give in. There’s nothing particularly wrong with that. As humans (especially as young individuals) in a world where drugs are just about as accessible as candy, we are vulnerable to the influence of our peers and curious to the all the things our parents (or other authoritative figure) told us not to do. Cigarettes, booze, weed, hard drugs, you name it. Therefore, a little experimentation is usually expected.

I am not particularly against the medical or even recreational use of alcohol or drugs (my exception is anything you have to snort or shoot up). But, that doesn’t mean I will advocate them and tell everyone how “awesome” they are. I guess you could say I am understanding of the use of these substances, and would rather inform my friends/loved ones of the implications of their decision because let’s face it—how many of you have let a simple “No” stop you? However, what I cannot condone is the abuse of drugs and alcohol. When it starts affecting your life, relationships, work, school, and whatnot, you have to re-evaluate your choices. If not recognized right away, you may endanger your life or position yourself to endangers others’ lives.

While abstinence is the best route on paper, it can be quite difficult for the impressionable youth. All I have left to say is: responsibility and moderation is the key.

Where you’d like to be in 10 years.

First and foremost… alive. We all like to rush into questions like this with the obvious like a good job, a family, lots of money, a really nice car… you know the deal. How can you have all these things if you’re 6 feet under? Every day is a miracle and a blessing. Don’t worry, I won’t be cramming Bible verses down your throat. All I’m saying is: don’t take these days for granted. Too many things happen, and too many forces are at work in this world, that not a single day is guaranteed. Cherish each one as if it were the last. 

So, in 10 years, I will be 31 going on 32. I want to be alive. With amazing health. By then, I want to have established myself towards a specific career path. Possibly in psychology or marketing/advertising. Regardless, I want it to be something I love and am passionate about. I’m sure I would want a child by then. Not sure if I will go the natural or adoptive route… most likely adoptive. I want to live in a safe neighborhood in Southern California. I want to remain close to my friends, and even closer to my family.

You’re probably thinking that I forgot to write “tall, handsome, trophy husband”. I didn’t. Whoever I am with at that point is who makes me happiest, whether it be a man or myself. You’re probably also thinking that I forgot to write “complete and utter happiness”. I didn’t. If I have life, great health, a healthy child, a career that I love, family, friends, and a safe residence in Southern California… then, I’m exactly where I want and need to be. 

Your current relationship. If single, discuss how single life is.

Single like a pringle. I was in a relationship with someone who I was in love with for years. Head-over-heels, you’re-the-air-I-breathe, dysfunctional love at its best and at its worst. The experience was beautiful, crazy, and insane. I ended up hurt in the end, but that doesn’t mean I’m turned off from the idea of finding love again. I guess you could say I’m a much more patient and careful person now, because of it. 

With that being said, I love being single. I wish you could understand how much I really LOVE being single. In the past year and a half that I’ve been single, I’ve managed to surprise myself everyday. I’ve learned how to stand on my own as an individual woman, and how to truly love myself without being dependent on someone else. I used to let fights and negative conversation ruin my day because I didn’t quite understand what a strong, beautiful, and capable woman I was. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not blaming my past insecurities on my exes. I fully realize that it was my own self-esteem issues and my lack of love for myself that ultimately jaded me. 

As a single woman in the midst of a frenzied dating world, I’ve established a set of standards as to what I expect from men. However, I didn’t create these guidelines overnight. I’ve dated plenty of guys who have helped to shape my “Perfect Man List”, so to speak. Dating, after all, is a social experimentation in a sense. Sure, I’ve had my share of “what-the-hell-was-I-thinking” moments with a few guys, but who hasn’t? I’ve learned to let go, move on, and (this is KEY) learn from my mistakes. While I don’t always follow that process, it has become a lot easier for me over time. Holding on to someone or something that doesn’t want to be held onto is a horrible and emotionally draining feeling. 

All in all, being single provides me the freedom that I so desperately need. I am still young, impressionable, and vulnerable. Yeah, I get lonely. Yeah, I miss some of my exes. Yeah, I still cling to overly romanticized fantasies that you can only find in the cheesiest chick flicks. But, I have come to terms with the fact that these are all normal feelings, and getting into the relationship with the next man who walks through the door is never the solution. I don’t want to be single for the rest of my life. I know there will come a time and place where the casual become casualties. Nevertheless, I am not looking for love. It will find me.