Fiendin'

I really, really shouldn’t feel this way. It’s not even something that I particularly want, but I want it. Maybe it’s because I need a project. Maybe it’s because I’m lonely and understandably desperate for this interaction. Maybe it’s because I just like to have things for the sake of having things. 

Regardless, I need to stop. Like, right now. I can’t expect everything to go my way. Not everything is going to go as I plan, not everyone is gonna love me, and life is gonna suck sometimes. I have to accept that. 

But first, let me accept the fact that I’m being completely irrational right now. I have no one to blame but ME for lying to myself about certain intentions, making something out of nothingm and creating this image (more like an illusion because it’s totally spun from fantasy rather than logic) of something I want rather than something I need. Jeez, I DON’T EVEN LIKE IT THAT MUCH! Ok, I’m stopping. Stop, breathe, count to 3. 

I’ve allowed myself to be mad for a good 10 minutes, so this is the time where I wrap things up and move on. I want this post to be my reminder that this kind of wishful thinking and lying to myself nonsense is unnecessary, and that it hurts. I won’t put myself through it again. Nip it in the bud before I get in too deep. When the situation arises where I’m about to be sucked into this THING that I want, I need to remind myself that it is not what I want it so desperately to be. It is what it is.

Gotta let go. Letting go. Gone.