Unthinkable
Warning: This post probably won’t make any sense. I’m using this solely for therapeutical purposes. Too much has been kept in, I need some type of healthy release. Whooosa! So here goes…
In the years we were together, neither of us were perfect. How could we be? We were so young, so impressionable, so in love with the idea of love. But still, we had something that I’ve never felt with anyone else. Ever. As dysfunctional as we were, nothing and no one could explain the depths we hit in all the years I’ve known you.
You gave me so many chances. Too many chances. There were quite a few times where I just wanted you to see through my bullshit and leave me for dead. After a while, I just accepted it. I would lie, cheat, or abandon you without a moment’s notice, and you would take me back. Every time. I guess you got tired of it, huh? You told me you wanted nothing to do with me and to never speak to you again. It’s not like I’ve never heard that before. But, this time you meant it. I called, texted, everything… but, you weren’t having it.
It didn’t really affect me much at first, to be honest. I went about with my business, just doing me. You were merely an afterthought. I would go out, party, flirt shamelessly with dudes, and had a pretty legit inventory of guys at my disposal. As many guys as I went through, none of them meant anything close to you. Of course, I didn’t really see it that way. It’s not like I was looking for a relationship or someone to replace you, I just wanted to have fun. I did what I did to fill in that void of emptiness you left me with. And fuck, it was a pretty big vortex of destitute emptiness. If I didn’t try to fill it, I think it would have swallowed me whole.
When I found out on Monday that you had a girlfriend, I froze. I wasn’t sure how to react. The same guy who told me that he’d love me forever was in love with someone else, and there wasn’t anything I could do to stop it. I know I have no right to feel angry about this… it was all of my doing. I just can’t help but to feel a little jealous and a little hurt. I guess I took him for granted. I didn’t think he’d find anyone other than me. I thought somehow we’d end up together again. Hell, this dude moved all the way to California from New Jersey to be with me. That’s gotta mean something, right?
Anyway, I thought I was over him, but I guess not entirely. I was listening to this Alicia Keys song “Unthinkable” and it got me thinking of him. Today was the first day I cried thinking about him. I haven’t done this in months. It feels good to cry though. But anyway, this particular part of the song really got me:
I was wondering maybe, could I make you my baby? If we do the unthinkable, would it make us go crazy? Or would it be so beautiful? Either way I’m sayin… if you ask me, I’m ready.
The train for the both of us has left. Whether or not it will be back for us cannot be determined. What I do know, is that if it comes again, I’ll be ready.
Regardless, I realize that the only thing I can be is happy for him. Happy that he’s adjusted to life in Socal, happy that he has a great job now, happy that he is alive, and happy that he is happy. I still love him and care about him deeply (although not necessarily “in love”), even if to this day he can’t bring himself to talk to me. Even if we never talk again, he’ll always hold a special place in my heart. While it seems easy for him to throw away years of memories, I can’t. At least not now, not all at once.
So I close this chapter in my book. It’s important for me to recognize my feelings for him, and put them to an end. I cannot keep pining for him, scheming ways for him to fall back in my arms. I am a new person, open to the journey that life has in store for me.
GOD, that felt so good to write :)
